Reminders

 Ghosts have always caught my fancy- as a kid, i imagined them with long wild tresses, loud laughs and scary teeth. And they would float through life (afterlife, to be precise). This aspect of ghosthood has been consistent in my imaginations- as a child, teen and adult. I always knew ghosts would float- not quite flying, not quite walking, but floating. Neither were their legs quite touching the ground, so there is no root to oneself, nor were they quite far off from the ground for one to feel the wind beneath the wings and the thrill of ambition.

With time, my feelings about ghosts have also evolved. The revenge hungry ghosts of my childhood have evolved into kindered spirits who always knew to hunt down only the movie villains. With adulthood came reasoning and somewhat ironcially, a broadened imagination, which gave me ghosts that were reminders of yesterday's joy- ouija boards and their resident ghosts had become just another indicator of how gullible childhood is.

And so today, when i looked into the mirror and saw another smile reflected back, i wasn't terrorised. I was surprised though, i realised, as a scream came out inadvertently.

That seemed to have spooked the ghost- talk about irony. This gave me even more assurance that ghosts are only as scary as other people.

I continued staring at it till it became blurry and bid goodbye. That was when i first saw the ghost.

When she came to me, always as a surprise, she was always greeted by a scream. After two or three turns, she began taking joy in the screams and put effort into pulling the most nonchalant scary faces possible so it would give reason and oomph to my scream. Once i even caught her smirking on my reaction to one of her more successful scary faces.

 I never understood the reason why she came, and why just to me- i guess there is only reality in what we perceive to be real. Anyway, one day she came when i was playing with my nephew. He had a mould and clay set- i loved them too as a child- the vibrant colour and the smell and how i could make endless worlds of mutliple possibilities. I saw her smile and for a split second my worst fears flashed through my face- will she harm the baby!?

I kept staring at her smile, slowly hypnotised. I saw her smile change to one of recognition, then one of nostalgia and then to one of excitement and joy. 

"I didnt think you were still 3!" My sister's laugh snapped me away from the trance- in my hand was a perfectly formed baby elephant, complete with a hint of a tusk, large ears and raindrop eyes. My eyes flew to the mirror, but she was gone. 

That day stayed with me. I kept staring into the mirror as if it would bring me memories that failed to register in the trance. 

And then again, suddenly.

This time it was an origami- well if you can call making paper boats origami. There was no baby around, it was just that i spotted a stray piece of paper, so perfectly square that nostalgia hit me like a gush of sweet summer rain. This time i saw her more clearly. She felt a little more lively. And this time i refused to be pulled into the trance- i kept staring as my hands folded the paper into a perfectly cute boat. And then i saw it. I saw her feet touch the ground.

In that moment, in the light of my imagination being let down, a frown creeped up my face and i squinted to see if her feet did really touch the ground. And in the split second that i looked at her face again, i was shook to see that it was my own face squinting back, feet firmly planted. But suddenly my reflection began to soar and my heart felt the lurch and thrill of ambition. Suddenly all i could hear was a 12 year old promising herself to be the best that ever could, all i could hear was laughter and the excitment of a world as yet new. All i could see was the sparkle in my eye as she smiled at me, her feet firmly in the ground.

Now that i had figured out a way to summon her, i began to do it more often- little ways of honouring the 12 year old who knew nothing save for what was truly important. I could feel my heart soaring and saw her smile at me everytime.

Initially her smile was of a child's excitement, then it evolved to one of comradeship and last when i saw her smile, it was one of indulgence, like a mother's. Then i saw my eyes sparkle and i saw her eyes shine with pride or tears- couldn't decide which, and then she left.

I still think of her smile when i see a random swing and treat myself to a little ride in it. I also check the mirror to see if my feet touch the ground.

Now, ghosts are reminders to me.