Reflections

 "Chey!". Frustration is a terrible companion for the darkness, and it seems to be my only partner during this power-cut. The blank TV screen seemed to mock; as if this is Karma for ignoring its babbling while I was busy scrolling through my phone. As if on cue, my phone notified that it would run out of charge any minute. Blame my stupid arrogance, " Why would I need a power bank!!" ; for such circumstances, airhead!

Recalling amma's words of wisdom on the need for power banks that probably sprung from experience, I cursed my optimism and decided to live out my fate.

Today was one of those days where I was irritated for no apparent reason (damn you, hormones!). Think and reflect wasn't the modus operandi for these days. I needed to crowd out my frustration with Noise, but Electricity board had other plans.

There was dearth of "productive" stuff to do...

Refreshing my mental To Do list, crossing out stuff that i could no longer do, I was left with Nothing To Do.

That meant i had nothing to drown out that constant buzz in my head; thoughts of home, family, friends and Myself.

With no better alternative, I tuned into them.

Thoughts of home; same every other time, but I never tired of it. Amma, her smile, her scoldings, her teasing, her understanding nods, each time i felt out of sorts; Achan, his guidance, his laughter, his "special" cookings, his pranks; Cheeku, her bragging, deliberate irritating, her Love (Alumballe, please.), our bickering, her writing ; Unnikuttan, his Hindi songs, his running to me on fighting, asking to scold Cheeku, his fear of "daatoochi", his sweet smile and the other antics; Ammumma and Appuppan, with their advices, teamwork cooking, unassailable love and indulgence.... My home, with its white walls and brown windows, recently organised yard with its rows of Chembarathi, Nanthyarvattam, Jamanthi, Rosa, Kariveppu, Mathanga, and lots more...

The nostalgia hit me hard. The lockdown situation wouldn't let me go, even for a short visit. Frustration morphed into sadness and i wanted nothing but to cry it off, but the tears wouldn't cooperate either.

Thoughts of family morphed into thoughts of me, stealthily creeping in, disguised as thoughts of their expectations.

I knew they wanted me to have an identity, a personality, an education, a secure job and a happy future (and distinctly remember that they Don't want me to starve, I will honour that AchaAmma).

I am clear of their expectations, but about the goals I set for myself, I still have to attain clarity.

Syncing with the expectations of my parents, I want to develop an identity and personality, and go on to get a solid education and a stable career in my chosen field.

But some things might be out of sync too...

Like the Identity and my chosen path, the extend of independence and some other nuances..

But these aren't wholly irreconcilable. I have ample examples of bending and breaking boundaries right in my family.

Ammumma, who went into quarantine long before the world did, wanted Amma to pursue her degree and become an Engineer. Amma who honoured that wish and went on become a woman with ideals and opinions, who, with inputs from Achan, raised me to be Myself, with hobbies, with ideas, with a future to look forward to and the cycle continues...

So with each generation, boundaries are stretched; tauted and tested.

Thought cycle lead me to the Revelation. I had a Hobby, an ability, an interest. It was a blessing in this era of online entertainment. It was discovered and used but still is fresh.

I still have a long "To be read" List and a lot of free time! My ultimate fantasy!! But with no light to illuminate the light of wisdom of the words, my fantasy remains a fantasy.

But....

My writing can still be honed and used to entertain myself. That revelation has lead to this piece.

Glad to have wasted your time and diverted your thoughts.

Next time you find yourself being jobless, think over and rediscover your passions, take it forward and carve it out to a hobby.

Love,

Devika.